Harry Potter and the Unnoticeable Plotline
by acetamide
Summary: In his latest year, Harry has to suffer Voldemort's attack, his family's abuse, but finds love in a close friend coughBillcough. Furthermore, Ron and Hermione find each other, before Hermione goes on to the suddenly nice Draco... Severus finds a heartwarm
1. The Saga Begins

Well, whilst singing "Supercalifragilisticexpiallidocious" in the shower one night, I was struck by the sudden idea to write a fic with everything cliché and annoying in it. Well, as much as I could think of. It's meant to sound badly written, using everything I could that annoys me personally. Hopefully you don't think I'm really _this_ bad at writing. If you need proof that I'm not, read my other fic, Running the Gauntlet, and **please review with ideas for what to do on Wednesday! I have no clue!**

So, behold a random fic written late at night whilst consuming unnatural amounts of hot chocolate.

NOTE: This fic is meant to amuse, not offend. Any offence caused is _purely_ accidental and I'm sorry it ever happened.

PART I The Saga Begins

Harry James Potter sat on his bed in Number Four Privet Drive with a contemplative look on his thin face. It was his birthday tonight. For some strange reason, Hogwarts had broken up early, at the start of July (most irregular for English schools) so he'd been sat wallowing in misery for nearly a month now.

He looked up when a trilling noise sounded through the night air. His snowy owl was flying towards the window and he could see Pigwidgeon zipping around nearby. He happily threw the window open and let the birds in. He was busy opening birthday cards when an official-looking owl tapped on the window.

"Yes OK just a second," Harry said cheerfully and opened the window. The tawny owl deposited a thick envelope on his bed and flew off again. Presents forgotten, Harry opened the letter curiously.

He read it quickly and was thrilled – it was his OWL results.

DivinationPoor

HerbologyExceeds Expectations

History of MagicAcceptable

CharmsOutstanding

Defence Against The Dark ArtsOutstanding

TransfigurationExceeds Expectations

Care Of Magical CreaturesAcceptable

AstronomyAcceptable

PotionsOutstanding

Snape would be furious. He had got the required result. Feeling very happy, he began opening his other envelopes.

The one from Pig had three separate letters in it. He read Ron's first.

Hey mate.

How are you? I get discounts on stuff from Fred and George's new shop. It's cool. I got six OWLs, how about you? We got the letters this morning. Hermione got all O's. I got E's in Defence and Charms. I failed Potions and Divination, and I got an A in Transfiguration. The rest don't matter.

I'm going out with Mione, by the way. I think Bill fancies you.

Lots of love, Ron.

Hello Harry,

From the sounds of your letters to the Order you're doing quite well. I do hope you're keeping on top of your studies, it wouldn't do good for you to fall behind in your NEWTs now, would it?

I suppose Ron told you that I got all O's, didn't he? Well, I have to say I was a bit disappointed with my Arithmancy mark (I asked Professor Dumbledore for it, I only got 213 out of 227) but what's done is done.

I suppose Ronald also told you that I'm courting him. Yes, it's true. I think Bill fancies you.

Lots of love, Hermione.

Hi Harry.

I know you don't expect a letter off me, but I thought I'd just say happy birthday. It's not everyday your young man turns legal! Well, for heterosexual reasons at least. You won't be legal where it matters for another five years, I think.

Thought I'd also say congratulations in your OWLs too, whatever you got. I'm sure a talented lad like you will have got good grades. Don't worry if you did, it's not uncool. I myself got very good grades, and I was no good boy, I can tell you that now!

Also congratulations on becoming Quidditch captain. I would have given anything when I was in school to be able to stay after hours in the changing rooms polishing all those brooms. Yes, I bet you didn't know that now, did you? Bet you thought I didn't like Quidditch. Well, I did. I love to ride a broom. To mount one and have them take you to heaven and back five times a day. So pleasurable. Never got made captain though. Hooch said it wasn't up my alley.

Well, that's enough from me. I'd better say goodbye so you can get on with opening all your presents. I'll see you in a few weeks, Dumbledore says you're to come to Headquarters for a few weeks.

See you then, love Bill.

Harry smiled happily. Bill was a nice sort of chap.

He opened all his presents. Ginny had sent him a chain with a small, familiar-looking dog charm on it. He started crying because it made him think of Sirius. Hermione had sent him a book about coming of age in the Wizarding world. Ron had sent him a load of stuff on the Chudley Cannons. He was about to open the other packages when there was a very loud bang outside in the garden.

Intrigued, he went downstairs and opened the door and walked out onto the road.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Hello, Harry."

With a feminine scream Harry turned to face Lord Voldemort. He was breathing in through his nose and his nostrils were flaring on the intake.

"How did you find me?"

"You are not under Fidelius, boy. I just asked your friend."

"Which friend?"

"The one with red hair."

"Which one with red hair?"

"You expect me to remember the name of the damned thing? Gads, no! There are too many anyway. But enough small talk. I have come here to kill you, and kill you I shall do. Avada Kedavra!"

Harry saw the green light but he didn't see anything else.

He woke up a few days later locked in the cupboard. There was a jug of water in the corner and he drunk from it greedily. What had happened? One minute he had been about to be hit with the Killing Curse, next he was back in his cupboard. What was that all about? Confused, he fainted.

Two weeks later, Severus Snape stared at a fat man.

"You're fat." He said bluntly. After all, Snape was not a nice man and he didn't do niceties. "I've come to collect Potter."

"He's under the stairs." The fat man said, his piggy eyes narrowed and he pointed to the cupboard door. "We locked him up because we found him wandering about at night. He shouldn't be let out."

Snape opened the door and pulled Potter out by the feet. He took one look at the boy and gasped.

He was thin to the point of emaciated. His cheekbones stuck out sharply and his eyes were all sunken and nasty. It looked as though he hadn't been fed in weeks. Plus there were a few marks where he had quite obviously been beaten, even though Snape had no such proof that this had happened.

Suddenly, he realised that he had misjudged the boy. It was obvious that Po – Harry was not his father, that he was a poor, neglected child who needed to be cared for, and in that moment Snape saw the real boy. In that moment, Snape had an epiphany.

It would be his job to guard and protect this child.

"Come on Harry, we need to go. I will never let you come here ever again."

Harry was pleasantly surprised by the new Severus (Snape had agreed to let him call him that on the way to HQ). He was nice and his hair wasn't as greasy as it had used to be.

They walked through the front door and were greeted by lots of red hair. The moving red hedge proceeded to hug Harry in about six different ways, then a smaller brown hedge hugged him. He grinned around at his friends. He couldn't wait for the rest of the summer.

Well, that's that for now. Hope that amused you, it's fun to write, and chapter 2 will be coming soon! Put in your reviews anythign that annoys you and I'll be sure to include it!

Have fun!

smokey2307


	2. Back To Hogwarts

Ok well the first review that this fic got (FireOpal doesn't count) generally praised this thing. Please take the time to READ this note. Hmm, let's see… oh yes…

_**THIS IS A PARODY!** It is not meant to be 'good'._

Please don't offend me by telling me that you like this. Please, don't let me know that your standards are so low. This fic is being written purely for my amusement (and FireOpal's) and it's crammed full of everything we **don't**like. Everything we find annoying is in here. So if you really like something written here, chances are we're taking the piss out of it. But then again, none of this is written to offend, all to amuse.

PART II – Back To School

Harry slept for most of the day. Severus had cast lots of healing charms on him so now he felt much better. He was beginning to like the Potions Master and see him for who he truly was – a man with few friends who just wanted people's trust. Remus had been kind enough to put him in a room with Bill (there were no others left) and the other man hadn't bothered him once. Harry had woken at one point to find Bill watching him intently, and was glad that someone was there to look after him. He had offered the Weasley a sleepy smile, which he was sure was returned, before going to sleep again.

When he pottered down to dinner later that evening Tonks greeted him in the doorway.

"Wotcher Harry!" she said brightly, tripping over the step. He greeted her then moved into the kitchen where Molly was cooking chicken in a Chardonnay sauce.

Harry liked Chardonnay. He had never been drunk before but he had once stolen some wine from the Dursleys. They had been making him clean up after them after a dinner party and a few of the tall glasses had some of the sparkling wine left in them, so he had tried the alcohol. Of course, Uncle Vernon had noticed, but it had been worth it. He had tasted proper alcohol.

He walked over to the corner where Bill was leaning back on the couch in front of the fire. Harry wasn't sure that Hermione and Ron had been telling the truth about Bill fancying him. So far he hadn't done anything to indicate that it was the case. He was being perfectly decent. Harry sat down beside Bill and stared at the fire.

"I'm just going to ask Remus for some more Hinkypunk's legs, now don't touch anything boys will you?" Molly said sternly. Harry nodded and watched as the nice woman left the room.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Bill asked once she was gone. "You look a bit tired."

"I am," Harry admitted, staring into the fire. Bill smiled at him and lifted his arm up onto the back of the couch.

"Come here," he said kindly. Harry shuffled towards Bill and leaned against his shoulder, and noticed that Bill was warm. Bill let his arm drop from the couch back to drape across Harry's thin shoulders. Harry snuggled further into Bill and fell asleep again.

"Hey look!" said a very loud voice in Harry's ear. "Bill's got going already!"

Harry blinked slowly and found himself staring into the face of one very red and freckly twin. He wasn't sure which one it was, so he just tried to bury himself further into the soft warm body he was curled up against. Bill laughed a deep sound that rumbled through Harry's chest, and gently pushed the younger boy off him.

"Come on Harry, its time for dinner," he said, standing up and holding out his hand to help Harry up. Harry took it and Bill didn't let go until they had walked through to the dining room.

"Come sit next to me, Harry!" Arthur cried enthusiastically from the far end of the table. Harry went to sit next to him and found Bill on his other side. "I don't suppose you would be able to tell me what the cinder-net is? Hermione tried explaining it to me but unfortunately all I managed to work out was that it involved lots of spiders." He asked anxiously. Harry laughed.

"It's called the 'internet', Arthur, and there are no spiders. It's got lots of other names, and one is 'the Web'. There are no spiders." Harry explained. "It's a way of transporting lots of information from once place to another in seconds. Like very fast owl post, but everyone can look at it and you can put as much on as you like. It's kind of hard to explain."

Harry didn't need to answer any more because then the chicken was served. It was very tasty and so Harry told Molly so.

"You are a wonderful cook Molly," he said earnestly, and she smiled at him.

"You're welcome Harry my dear."

When they all returned to school four weeks later Harry was very excited. He couldn't wait to see who the new DADA teacher was. Hopefully it would be someone as good as Remus. Albus had offered Remus the job again but he had said no thank you, and Bill had also turned down the offer. However Charlie had agreed to replace Hagrid as Care of Magical Creatures teacher.

It had been an emotional goodbye to Grimmauld Place. Tonks had been crying because she wouldn't be seeing them again for a long time and Bill had even kissed Harry's cheek as he had left!

Harry sat down at the Gryffindor and watched as all the new students were sorted. He waited patiently until Dumbledore stood to introduce the new teachers and suddenly noticed the new teacher. He had dark brown hair and mischievous blue eyes and a very nice smile. Harry was instantly attracted to him.

"This is our new DADA teacher, Professor Sue." Dumbledore announced, and lots of girls swooned as he winked at them. Ron said it was an odd name for a man but Harry didn't care. He was standing up as they left the hall when Cho Chang came over and said hello.

"I've missed you Harry," she said, and started crying. "I'm so sorry I was so awful to you last year. I was just very sad about Cedric dying and now I feel really bad. Is it too late for you to change your mind about me? I would like for us to be more than friends if you are willing."

"No way!" Ron said angrily before Harry could respond. "Harry doesn't want you! You treated him awfully, just trying to see how he felt about you, manipulating him like a Slytherin, and now you want him back because you've nobody else? Well, he's not that stupid! It's you who's stupid! All girls are stupid!"

"Really, Ronald?" asked Hermione icily from behind him. He froze.

"Hi Mione," he attempted weakly. Hermione glared at him

"I don't think it's going to work between us, you know. You're just too big-headed. It's over between us," she said calmly, and stalked off to the Gryffindor common room. Harry looked around. Cho had gone.

"Well that wasn't very good." He commented. Ron sighed.

"Girls. They're stupid," he said as if it were obvious.

"Now boys, shouldn't you be getting back to you dorms?"

Harry and Ron turned quickly. Professor Sue was stood behind them. His eyes twinkled as he looked at Harry.

"Yes sir," Ron said automatically.

"Is there a reason why you're loitering about in the corridors?" Sue asked.

"We both just had arguments with a few girls. My girlfriend split up with me, and this whore that Harry used to fancy tried to manipulate him," Ron said confidently. Sue looked surprised.

"I would like it if you didn't talk about other students like that, Ron," he said sternly. Suddenly McGonagall came out of a side-corridor.

"Ah Gary, I was hoping to – oh. What are you two doing here?" she asked when she caught sight of Harry and Ron.

"Ron here just broke up with his girlfriend. Harry was offering moral support," Sue offered. McGonagall's expression changed completely.

"Well that's different then. Come along Mr. Weasley, let's have a little talk."

McGonagall led him off back down he corridor.

"Well Harry I think you'd better be getting off."

"Would you like to come?" Harry asked.

"Yes, it would be a pleasure."

They walked back to Gryffindor Tower chatting amiably. They stopped at the Fat Lady.

"I'm looking forward to you teaching me sir," Harry said enthusiastically. Sue smiled at him.

"I'll see you again tomorrow. I hope you'll be as willing then!"

"Certainly sir! I can't wait!"

"Well, goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight sir."

Harry went up to his dorm. Ron wasn't back yet. He got changed and climbed into bed, falling asleep more happily than ever before.

I shouldn't laugh at my own fics. It's bad for me, I swear. And no apologies for Harry and Sue's blatant double-entendres there. They were perfectly intentional.


End file.
